Forgiveness Practice

Step 0: To start, grab something to write with. Deepen the quality of your breath for a few breaths, then: Think of the person you love the most. This could be someone who represents the highest level of Loving spiritual evolution.

Place your hand on your heart and feel how much love you have for them.

Allow your heart to open. From this place, go ahead and move into the Self-Forgiveness exercise below.

Step 1: Bring awareness to your heart Bring to mind a recent situation that triggered a negative emotional reaction inside of you. What happened? How did you feel? What did you do in response?

Example: Example: My husband and I were having a disagreement. I got really upset because he raised his voice. I felt hurt and reacted with anger.

Step 2: Give your feelings a voice. Let the hurt or angry part inside speak freely, and write down what it says. Don’t censor your expression, and don’t be concerned with grammar or spelling. Just record the stream of thinking on paper.

Example: How can you talk to me like that after all I do for you? What’s wrong with you? You’re such a jerk. Why can’t you understand how I feel? You never listen, and I’m getting sick and tired of all of your arrogance and insensitivity. You don’t care about me at all. I’m so stupid for putting up with you, and I feel so fed up.

Step 3: Move from “this is happening to me…” to “this is happening for me…” as an opportunity that’s present for your learning and spiritual growth.

Example (read this out loud, or say your own version of it): All right, I know that I’m really upset, and I know that this disturbance is triggering me. I accept that I’m in this situation, which is presenting me with opportunities to learn and grow spiritually, and I recognize that I can use them for healing.

Step 4: Take 100 % responsibility for your emotional reaction. This is a way of reclaiming your personal power and authority inside yourself, and over the situation.

Example (read this out loud, or say your own version of it): I know this emotional upset is occurring inside of me and is based upon beliefs and judgments for which I’m responsible. I also know that this is an opportunity to identify the judgments and release them. It’s my intention to heal whatever is disturbing my peace.

Step 5: List any judgments against others and yourself that you perceive are present. They’re usually easily identified from Step 2. They’re the condemning, or “wrong-making,” statements.

Examples: My husband is wrong! He’s a jerk! He doesn’t listen to me! He doesn’t care about me! I’m stupid for staying with him!

Step 6: Engage in Compassionate Self-Forgiveness for your judgments. Write out the judgments you are carrying toward yourself and the other using the following format:

“I forgive myself for judging myself . . . “ “I forgive myself for judging him/her as . . . “

Examples: I forgive myself for judging him as wrong. I forgive myself for judging him as a jerk. I forgive myself for judging him as not listening. I forgive myself for judging him as an uncaring person. I forgive myself for judging myself as stupid for staying in this marriage.

Note: The way we phrase Self-Forgiveness statements is very important. We use the wording, “I forgive myself for judging my husband as a jerk.” This is a clear statement that “I’m forgiving myself for the judgment I’ve placed upon him pertaining to a quality that I’ve attributed to him.”

In the heat of the situation, however, it might be tempting to say: “I forgive myself for judging my husband for being a jerk” or “I forgive my husband for being a jerk.”

In both of these examples, the judgment of “jerkness” is actually being affirmed. Meaning no forgiveness is actually taking place! You may need to read this part a few times to see what I mean.

Step 7: When you’re finished, move into a place of Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion, as best you know how. It can help to reconnect with the feeling you felt in the beginning of this exercise when you thought of someone you loved deeply. Bring that individual to mind again, and then point that feeling toward the little boy/girl version of yourself.

Then, ask yourself what the Truth is about this situation.

Example: The truth is that he’s entitled to his opinion. Really, he’s a good man, and I’m grateful to be with him. I know he’s doing his best to hear me, and sometimes we just don’t see “I” to “I.” In my heart, I know he really cares, and I’m wise enough to be releasing these judgments. Beneath it all, I love him very much.

Note: It’s common when doing this quality of work that memories of older hurts and judgments of a similar nature may emerge. This is a positive indicator that deeper, more ingrained judgments can also be released.

Example: I realize that I’ve been in this exact situation in previous relationships. What is it inside me that draws this sort of situation to me? Oh, I see. I don’t think I’m worthy of a truly loving relationship. I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy of loving relationships. The truth is that I’m a caring person who has a lot of Love to share. I am worthy of a heartfelt, loving relationship.

Step 8: Once the negative energy has lifted and you’re back in balance, look for creative solutions to the triggering situation for the highest good of all concerned. They’ll usually be right there. Effective outer action follows successful inner action.

Example: I see that when my husband approaches me with irritation and anger, I can gently let him know that I would appreciate his talking to me in a kinder way. In fact, I’m going to write him a loving letter and share this with him. And I know it’s a good thing for me to let him know more often how much I love and appreciate him and all he does for me. I think I’ll start my letter with that message.

Step 9. Acknowledge and appreciate yourself for your willingness to learn how to work with your disturbance as an opportunity for growth and healing.

Example (read this out loud, or say your own version of it): I appreciate myself for my willingness to use this opportunity to move into my own Acceptance and Compassion for both my husband and me. And on a very deep level, I’m grateful to a higher power (as I understand him) for presenting me with an opportunity for learning how to heal the unresolved issues residing in my consciousness.

When you do the process with intention, in essence you’re saying: (read this out loud, or say your own version of it) I’m tired of the pain and suffering and disturbance of my own reactivity that my judgments perpetuate. I’ve been having the same upsetting experience over and over, and I want to be free of this pattern.

My intention is to let go of my judgments and move into greater equanimity and Loving—to truly experience Self-Forgiveness.

I realize that by judging, I’m only condemning myself, since my thinking is creating separation and isolation. All I’m really doing is digging myself into a deeper hole of negativity.

Right here and now, I’m letting go of my judgment that ____, by forgiving myself for having made this judgment in the first place.

Find the most difficult judgments and complete the following sentences:

• I forgive myself for judging ____ as ____. The truth is . . .
• I forgive myself for judging myself as ____. The truth is . . .
• I forgive myself for buying into the belief that ____. The truth is . . .

Repeat as often as necessary.

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Self Forgiveness as a form of spiritual fortitude: Self Forgiveness is a way to view the world through a spiritual lens. With it, we realize that reality isn’t set up for punishment, but rather with infinite learning opportunities and chances to encourage better behaviors.

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Maybe now we’ll better understand what Dorothea Bisbas meant in her poem: “What he carried”:

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